CpwninObrien - PSO2: New Genesis
PSO2: A New Genesis of CpwninObrien
cpwnin's log: Day 1
wtf is this I can't find my auxilliary MAID-N anywhere on this planet and normally I'd just dictate this to her like my stand up material and she's not here so i have to write this myself...
Maybe I should start at the beginning. One minute me and the ARKS lawyers were counting the mesetas Quna paid from the settlement, Dark Falz was finally dead, and my Cpwnin Freedom Celebration for July 4th was booked. Next minute I'm in some pod shooting at planet Halfa.
A cute native named Aina and somebody named Manon opened my pod and were like "Oh thank God it's another Meteorn!"
"Huh? You dont recognize me? I'm CpwninObrien, #1 ARKS Hero, slayer of all Falz including Shiva, pro comedean, and voted Most Eligible Bachelor in Oracle fleet."
They just kinda blinked at me like I was trying to teach them algebra or something. Aina being from a rock like Halfa has excuse.
Manon say "I'm ARKS too but now we're Meteorn some of us have been falling out of sky."
I drew my double saber "If youre really ARKS how do you not recognize me?"
Manon drew some crappy looking photon daggers "I lost my memory!"
"STOP FIGHTING!" Aina sobbed as she dropped to ground crying like my friend Matoi. I miss her.
I cut the tension with a joke, my most effective weapon of all. "Well Manon you must have hit your head good when you fell from sky, and you certainly didn't come from heaven cuz' you don't look like an angel."
We all laughed and I sheathed my weapon and then Manon did the same and we fist bumped.
"Let's go to Aelio Town everyone will love to meet you!" Aina took my hand and started to lead the way.
"Do you have a comedy club?" I asked. It felt like 6,000 years since I did a stand up routine.
"Huh?" Aina was perplexed. Manon with no memory as useful as my empty whoopie cushion.
I never heard of Halfa before, never had any fan mail from the place and for good reason. This place sucks!
We had to walk forever to Aelio Town. Calling it a town is generous, no place to do cultured things like philosophy or perform comedy.
A big man was in center of the town. Aina ran to him. "Father!"
We got closer and I had a feeling like at a Quna concert like my pants were too small. "Another Meteorn? I'm Garoa! I see my daughter has brought you here in one piece!" He ruffled her hair.
I smirked and extended my hand. "Pleased to meet you. Now I see where Aina got her good looks!"
Garoa looked perplexed for a second and then crushed me in his arms laughing. For a second, this could almost feel like home.
"I need to get back to Oracle Fleet. I'm CpwninObrien, the best ARKS operative in the fleet and pro comedien."
Garoa frowned. "You're going to need a drink. Let's get to the tavern."
I think it was actually a room next to mayor's office. I'm enlightened and don't judge lesser cultures so didn't ask.
"The thing about being pro comedien is you are rich as f," I told Garoa. "Barkeep! Its been bad day, drinks for everyone on me!" I dumped my mesetas on the bar but everyone just looked at me like somebody forgot to put pants on.
"That's not money," Garoa said, "we only use N-Meseta here."
"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF"
Cpwin's Log: Day 2
My head hurt a lot, like that time I made fun of Pietro on stage and he sicced a rappy on me.
I come to and I'm in my birthday suit and this hotel room is shabby, like where ARKS would stick the new recruits. Then I hear a thunderous snore. Oh no... Manon in bed next to me! I'm not on a ship in a hotel I'm stranded on a primitive world.
If only I had my production crew with me, this would be good place for opening sequence. Oh well.
Like everything else on this cursed planet Halfa, my Mag is useless, kinda like how the audience at Echo and Zeno's wedding were thinking their kids would turn out. My Mag is an idiot child now. Can't heal, can't cast spells, can't help my stats, can't eat the junk items I find, can't do anything but scan rocks and record current events.
I guess I could use my Mag to see what happened last night when Garoa broke the news that I'm pore, my survival kit with scape dolls and monomates is worthless. It's all N-everthing. Having been almost cancelled before, I don't want to add N- to anything. If it's the word of Aina and Garoa's culture that's fine and doesn't involve me, unlike what else Garoa had to say.
"There's an ARKS base in Central City run by a dweeb named Crawford, he can better explain what's up."
"The women, children, and other Hunters of Oracle fleet needs me, I have to get back." Is Falz really dead? What if there are more Photoner sciences? I'm worried about what will happen if I'm not there to save the day.
Garoa sighed heavily and gave me a drink, it looked muddy like what the filthy creature natives of Lillipa offered me when I saved the mining base from Falz Apprentice, dirt water with sticks and leaves. I took it and slammed it down, it tasted terrible. I smiled weakly and Garoa signaled a bar wench to bring more.
"We the People of Aelio Town need your help Cpwnin here and now. There's an army of DOLLS, ALTERS, and FORMERS between us and Central City"
"An army of whats?" I asked. "Besides can't we just Photon Dash past them?"
"I can," Garoa said with a flex of his arms, "but I doubt you could keep up." He laughed.
I politely chuckled at bad joke and if anything he'd probably be the one slowing me down.
Garoa continued. "It's like a blessing in the skies that you Meteorn have been arriving because we are not strong enough to beat these guys on our own."
I had another terrible drink. "Garoa, I CpwninObrien still don't understand what's going on but I will do whatever is in my power as a Hero, Comedien, and ace AIS pilot to help the women and children of Aelio Town."
Garoa stood up knocking his chair back and picked me up in hug. Hopefully he didn't notice my little saber was activated.
Like anything else that happens in the past, bad break ups, childhood, what happened to your parents when they worked for ARKS, etc., it's good to just move forward and don't joke at things with no ears or punch things that can't be punched. I stopped the Mag replay, got my outfit, and snuck out of Manon's hut while she was still sawing logs. I didnt want to have to talk about anything and had a plan to defeat the DOLLS, get to Central City, and get back to Oracle fleet.
Aina was waiting outside and looked kinda jealous but I didn't say anything besides wave.
"Cpwnin, I heard you are going to help us fight the DOLLS." Aina was awed.
I blushed and scratched back of my head in slight embarrassment. Being a Hero isn't easy. "Yeah, I guess so. I'm going to go fight them right now."
"You're so cool! I know where some are, I'll take you there!"
Aina Photon Dashed and I followed. Drop ship to fly us there would have been nice but we can't always have nice things so it took almost all day to traverse West Aelio to where the DOLLS were.
As sun was setting Aina arrived at a cliff face and then Wall Kicked up it using photon tech. I was able to figure it out on first try.
I landed and readied my saber in response to what was waiting for us.
(Sic)
Photons lit the night as more blades were turned on and knocked mine away. Aina raised her rifle but quickly lowered it.
"Stand down Cpwnin!" Manon shouted. "It's not a monster, it's a Region Mag!"
"What are you talking about? What you doing here Manon?" I was mad, but she was right. The Region Mag wasn't doing anything so I lowered my saber.
"Region Mag is useful, give it items and it will make you stronger," Aina explained. Kinda frustrating to have some kid telling me all of this.
"In Oracle Fleet our mags made us stronger. This seems backwards to me."
[Master Cpwnin, don't you recognize me?"
"Who said that!?" I asked but Aina and Manon just shrugged.
[It's me, your Mag. I've evolved to be a Region Mag now.]
"Aina, you really can't hear the Region Mag talking?" I sighed and she shrugged again.
[Much time has passed since I was seperated from you Master Cpwnin. Same for the other Mags. We thought you were all lost so we continued to evolve. The Mags you and the other Meteorn have now are our offspring.]
"Oh." My Mag really is an idiot child.
[Sorry that me and my son can't help you more.]
Oh shit can this thing read my mind?
[Yes. Bring me materials and I will make you and the other Meteorn stronger]
"Fuck, I'm a funny asshole, but an asshole, and this Region Mag can read my mind while I've been insulting its kid."
Aina dropped a stick she was using to draw in the dirt or something while Manon just continued to look confused. If the other Meteorn also lost their memory and were like C tier ARKS in Oracle I might be in trouble.
[Something dangerous is coming, look out Master.]
I instinctively drew my double saber, fully grinded and affixed. "Aina, Manon, we've got trouble comin"
They nodded and got ready.
An attack came out of nowhere, Manon partially blocked it but was down.
"Bigg Frogga!" Aina exclaimed.
"Is it a DOLLS?" I asked as I ran to make short work of it with my double saber.
"No, it's an ALTERS. Attack it's glowing eye, and be careful, since its night its more powerful," explained Aina like a nerd.
I was ready to deliver a killing blow to Big Frogga's eye and the attack would have cleaved a Falz in two. But my attack bounced off it, and my saber flickered and died.
"Oh F" I shouted.
Aina started blasting at Big Frogga and kited it away. "I think there's a Stella pack around here. It might have good weapons and gear inside. I'll hold this guy off."
My amazing new Mag started signaling that something was nearby. A red crate in a force field with some drones flying around. I used my martial arts training to dispatch them quickly and then broke the crate open. I got a Theseus sword and some units. I equipped them and resigned myself to being a Hero no more. Fortunately I was also a master Hunter in ARKS.
I Photon Dashed back to Aina and Manon, who were holding their own. I did a spinning slash photon art with my Theseus sword and hit Bigg Frogga in his eye. He stumbled back in pain.
"Ribbit in peace" I said as he died. Aina and Manon clapped. Bigg Frogga dropped some weapons and units that other natives or Meteorn less skilled must have left behind in the ALTERS guts. It was all junk so perfect to feed my Region Mag.
[Thank you Master, now I can help you properly.]
"Thanks to you and my Mag, I was able to save Aina and Manon quicker." I said with a nod.
The Mags did a little dance.
"And thank you Aina. I think we are now ready to destroy the enemies of Aelio Town and then get me to Central City!"
She cheered and we started to head back as dawn over Halfa started to break. I'm still pore and my gear is bad, but it was a new day.
Day 4
When Aina and I, and Manon, made it to the cliffs outside Aelio Town the DOLLS were starting their attack.
"Oh no, Cpwnin we need to get to the town and help them! Use Photon Glide to fly!" Aina was scared for her friends and family, this wasn't a joke.
"Like a jetpack? I'm only rated for AIS and golf carts..." These needy Halfa natives keep asking a lot from me.
"Just think of a happy thought and jump over the edge and the photons will do the rest. Watch us!" Aina looked at Manon and they nodded and jumped.
"Happy thoughts OK Cpwnin you killed all the Falz dead you can do this..." I jumped... and started to glide through the air. "Ahaha, I'm the best Photon glider!"
I was until I started to fall, right into the middle of the DOLLS army. I tucked and rolled into a landing and drew my sword. The DOLLS were startled by my improv surprise attack. "Sup fellas, I just flew in from the Western Aelios Region Mag and boy are my arms tired!" The DOLLS actually started laughing. As they lost grip on their weapons I tightened the grip on mine and stabbed into their glowy parts, the obvious weak point of anything.
Nobody will deny that CpwninObrien is the best Hunter of ARKS, but even the best can be overwhelmed. I would not be able to stop all of the DOLLS with my blades. If the ghost of Luther was still with me, he would tell me now is the time. I think Elder would agree. I'm not ready for a CpwninObrien the 2nd to take my place in ARKS.
"Mag buddy, I need you to go up and amplify my voice."
It did a barrel roll and then went up into the sky.
"People of Aelios Town, if you can hear me, and I hope you can because it means the DOLLS can too, please cover your ears. Do not listen to what comes next!" I hoped that the seriousness in my voice was clear. If Oracle fleet prosecuted war crimes, this might be one, but saving Aelios Town is worth it, worth even more than a promise I made to myself.
I told all of the DOLLS in Aelios in range of my amplified voice my forbidden joke, the same one that let me solo the Falz. I hoped the natives had ear plugs...
I deleted the forbidden joke from my Mag's recording of the events, and for your safety reader I dare not write it here.
The DOLLS dropped like ARKS rookies on first mission. I had a clear shot to Aelios Town so started Photon Dashing. As I approached everyone was cheering and they came out to meet me. Garoa lifted me up on his shoulders and I crowd surfed to center of town.
Aelios Town would see another day and so would I, but the fatalities would not. My Mag was still broadcasting.
"Aelios Town, thank you for your help with this amazing victory." The town cheered again. "But let's have a moment of silence for the fallen."
The faces, frozen in death from laughter will burden the best Hunter in ARKS for a long time. If it keeps me from Photon Gliding, so be it. I will Photon Dash that much faster. But I am a pro comedien and can lighten the burden with good laughter. I can carry this for the women and children.
I signaled my Mag to cut my mic and waved to Garoa who's grin was almost as broad as his scarred, muscular shoulders. "When can we go to Central City and meet the ARKS commander, Crawford?"
"Tomorrow Cpwnin, but tonight we must celebrate your amazing victory? Would you tell us some jokes?"
"Sure, I would love to." And so I started one of my classic comedy routines for the survivors of Aelios Town before scoring for the night.
Day 5
It's a good day when you wake up in a bed, and even better when it's surrounded by women and no snoring Manon in sight or sound. It's weird to sneak out of your own place but I needed to get to Central City and didn't see a need to kick the ladies out. Aelios Town granted me the hut, I guess it belonged to some guy named Doug who didn't take my warning to cover his ears seriously and now his death will bear on my conscious.
Out in the town Aina and Manon were already up. I think Aina has realized she can be like a sister, but Manon was angry, red as a rare drop. I waved.
"Good morning ladies any sign of Garoa? I want to get to Central City to meet with ARKS command."
"He said he'd meet you there." Aina explained. "You're going to want to Photon Dash and Photon glide North East to center of Aelios, that's why it's called Central City."
"OK, ready?" I asked.
"Oh we're just going to use a Ryuker terminal to teleport there" Aina said pointing at some tall looking console. "You have to register at a Ryuker termimal before you can use it, otherwise you could teleport to the city too." If Captain of the Aelios Town died yesterday they should promote Aina Captain obvious here.
"See you there then." I Photon Dashed out of Aelios Town hoping I'd never come back. Hope and Halfa don't mix.
I stopped when Central City was in sight. Everything on native to this planet is exagerated. Villages are towns, towns are cities. Shaking my head, I started on my way again.
I was stopped at the gate by a CAST and some soldiers.
"Halt in the names of ARKS," the CAST said. "I'm Dozer, you must be CpwninObrien. If you're here to meet Crawford I need to confiscate your weapons."
Normally I'd try and disarm the situation with comedy but Halfa has been taking its toll on me.
"If you are really ARKS you will address me as "Sir", and if you want to avoid having less of your guts to stuff in another CAST frame you will not touch me or my weapons."
Dozer reached for his sword and his cronies readied rifles. I put my hand on my hilt when Dozer got a call.
"My apologies... Sir... please proceed to the center of the city, Crawford and Garoa will meet you there." He was bristled.
I relaxed and walked past Dozer, slapping him on the back with a nice clang. "It's all good bro, see you around." I made my way into Central City. The main street was like a strip mall, again nowhere decent on this planet to tell a joke.
The tall building was the city center. When I got inside I was treated to the sight of a trio of hotties. Maybe being stuck on Halfa for a little bit wouldn't be soo bad. "Ayy ladies, I'm CpwninObrien, legendary ARKS Hunter and pro comedien. If beauty slept through your history classes, then most recently I single-handedly wiped out the DOLLS in Western Aelios."
"Cpwnin, you made it!" Aina gave me a hug. Garoa and Manon behind her, and some nerdy looking guy.
"Commander Crawford I presume?" I gave an ARKS salute for equals on the off-chance that his rank was another close to mine, and he did save me the trouble of teaching Dozer and his fodder how to respect chain of command so it was least I could do.
"You presume correctly, CpwninObrien. On Halpha soil, I am the supreme commander of ARKS in case you had any questions about rank."
"You do mean Halfa, sir?" I asked.
"Halpha," Crawford corrected me.
I looked at all my other acquaintances who allowed me to use wrong planet name for days, real friends all of them.
Crawford continued, "CpwninObrien, secret member 8 on the Council of 6. Professional comedien on retainer for ARKS. Awarded the Medal of Honor for saving Oracle Fleet multiple times. Nobody could match you in an AIS cockpit-"
"Unlike your bridge bunnies here you actually had to do your homework in school Crawford, I'm impressed. But you don't need to waste my time telling me about my accolades. Let's get to the punchline - I killed Dark Falz Shiva and saved the universe. I need you to get me back to Oracle fleet."
Crawford smirked slightly but was mixed with concern. "Yes, the Dark Falz has not been seen for... 1,000 standard years. And neither has Oracle Fleet for that matter."
"Leave the jokes to the professional Crawford, you can't land the delivery." Wannabe jokers.
"I wish I were, but nobody has seen what remains of Oracle Fleet, if anyting, since the first DOLLS attack 1,000 years ago. We are all that's left."
The room started spinning, like my first time on stage to tell a joke. I was maybe going to be sick.
"We can only hope that other heroes from your era are still in orbit, coming down as their pods enter the right trajecoty to join you and the other Meteorn, and the rest of planet Halpha, in our fight against the DOLLS."
How did I escape? Who else is up there?
"Why not recover the pods?" I hoped I sounded more calm than desperate.
"We have no capability to escape Halpha's orbit. Like you, our ancestors were also stranded here. Ran, can you please load the map of the Meteorn pods still around Halpha?"
"Yes sir," the babe in blue responded. A hologram then appeared with thousands of dots representing pods floating in space.
No friends. No fleet. No home. No escape. "What can CpwninObrien, Best Hope for Halpha do to help Commander Crawford?"